The Screen Junkie

Dear Diary.. It's time for Honesty.

Ever since the month of -ber started, I hardly checked up and I am very sorry for not being able to say things like I used to do. Whoever reads this might think i'm crazy because I am talking to a non-existent being. But believe me, expressing this to you is way better than not having it released at all. It's not that I don't prefer sharing this to existing people, but talking to you is like talking to myself.. Reflecting and expressing the negligence I feel towards others and myself. You are the appropriate person. So here it goes..

Lately I am disturbed. I can't explain why but I feel like an old fat lady whining inside and out.. searching for the answer that would keep her silent in a peaceful way. Is it because I fear that everyone might be talking about me? My flaws and weaknesses. I know I have friends who are there whom I feel secured with but when I am left alone, suddenly.. this anxiety begins and distracts me from the millions of things and errands and pro bonos that I have to do.

I know who I am and what I like but sometimes, I still get confused. I am comfortable with this but I do miss the image my mom wants me to be. To think that I am free? I still feel stuck.

And when it comes to work, I am slowly losing the confidence that I can prove myself to people that I am part of the better half. This is not self-pity. I can see it in everyone's eyes especially my sister's. Everytime she sees my work, she turns away until I asked one day what she'd really thought of it and she said. "It's just okay. You're getting mediocre everyday." I crave for such respect.. the way great people live today. But I agree with the person whom I share my room with almost everyday. So I better prove some more and that I am worth being respected. No matter how much you give your time, how much you shed some love, and tons of effort you put in, all you receive is ungratefulness and the feeling of owning up to your debt. Maybe i'm just a fool who was raised and got used to the words 'thank you'. But c'mon.. Would you like to be treated that way too?

We have this mentor who is now a tor-mentor. He doesn't stop giving work and I can't blame him for that is his job. But... there is a limit in every person's capability. Relax dude, we're not skipping your work, give us a break. Then again that's what they do in the real world right? Oh btw, we have this project and my fear is that I don't know where to lead my fellow members. I don't want to lead them down. That's my worst fear. Seriously.

So now what am I gonna do? Just feel shit for myself and give up? You bet I wont. I'm gonna keep trying.

I was beginning to think of rising with the sun though I really am and will always be a sunset. Thus, there is beauty in both.

Sunrise helps you aim and hope for the dreams you can barely touch while Sunset reminds you of the painful experiences you've been through.. to be a realist. So when you move on, you can face reality without ever doing the same mistakes again.

Ha! Now I feel much better.. Releasing these emotions made me feel like spending 2 hours alone.. with the toilet. *Flush*

So what about you Lovelife? Are you fooling me? Now that I asked you a decent question.. Answer me with a decent answer.. Not with some quotes you can send and manipulate.

So goodnight rednocturnes, it's been a while.. and its been a pleasure talking to you once again. :)

posted by the only juz @ 12/03/2007 10:57:00 PM